The Fifth Dimension
by Darth Sparky
Summary: Yuki's madly in love with Shuichi, Hiro's a germaphobe, Sakano's a pimp and Fujisaki is a hippy? What has the world come to... CRACK FIC. written at 4 A.M :P
1. First Dimension

**A/N: Hello there, and welcome to my bad story! It was originally going to be a oneshot since it's so short, but it was even more confusing all mushed together! So enjoy or don't! Disclaimers!  
Ryuichi: Kumagoro doesn't belong to her, na no da!**

* * *

"YUKI!!! I'm home!!!" Shindo Shuichi, vocalist of the Japanese pop band Bad Luck, bounded inside the large apartment.

"Welcome home darling!!" Shuichi was immediately tackle-glomped by his lover, Yuki Eiri.

"Y-Yuki?!?" Shuichi made the bigger man lie on the floor as he began to examine him. "Did you fall and hit your head? Have you been taking drugs?? OH YUKI, WHY?!"

Eiri got up and hugged his love again. "Don't be silly, Shu-Chan! I'm just so happy that you're home!!" He hugged Shuichi tighter, cutting off the poor boy's circulation, and burst into tears. "I wish you wouldn't leave me and go to work all the time. How do I know you're really coming back?? If you never came back to me…I'd…I'd…"

Fresh tears began to flow as Shuichi gaped at him. "Yuki…are you okay?!" Shuichi was beginning to freak out, which could only be expected, seeing as how the always cold and cruel novelist was now showing nearly as much emotion as Shuichi himself.

"I'm fine now that you're here." He sighed. Shuichi started bleeding profusely. "I was so overcome by my joy of seeing you again, I almost forgot!" Yuki finally released Shuichi from his death grip. "I made you a delicious meal and seasoned it with love!!"

"Um…just a minute Yuki…I need to make a phone call…" Shuichi laughed nervously and ran to the bathroom.

"Okay, but don't keep me waiting too long!!" Yuki called after him.

"C'mon, Hiro, pick uuuuuuup!!" Shuichi screamed into his cell phone.

"H-hello?" a nervous male voice finally answered.

"Oh Hiro, thank God I got a hold of you!! Listen…Yuki is…"

"Just one moment please, Shuichi…" Shuichi could hear a small thump where Hiro had put his phone down. "DIE GERMS, DIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!"

Shuichi blinked. "Uh….Hiro…?"

He heard someone scream like a little girl on the other end. "I SAID BACK TO HELL WHERE THOU CAME FROM, YOU BIG MEANIE, YOU!!!!"

Shuichi sweatdropped. "…Hiro?"

"Sorry Shuichi, but there were-gag-GERMS on my newly vacuumed Persian rug! Now what were you saying?"

"Hiro, what are you talking about? Nevermind…listen…There's something wrong with Yuki. _Very _wrong"

Hiro gasped. "Whatever is the matter?"

"He's…being…NICE!!"

Hiro giggled (like a school girl). "Isn't that a good thing?"

"Yes…I mean no…well it is but…"

"WHAT??? I can't hear you Shuichi, those gosh darned neighbor kids are playing their stereo system too loud!"

Shuichi hung up the phone, completely positive that everyone had lost it.

"Shu-Chan?" Shuichi gasped in surprise as he heard someone knocking at the door. "Are you okay?? Should I call an ambulance??"

"…"

"Why aren't you answering me??? DO YOU HATE ME?!?!?! OH GOD, WHY?!?!?!??!?!" Yuki fell to the ground sobbing. Shuichi decided it was best he sleep in the bathroom that night.


	2. Second Dimension

"Nnngh…" Shuichi stretched his arms out, and was confused when he felt them his something hard. He started to sit up, but a large, white, porcelain bowl fell on top of him. No…that wasn't right…Shuichi moved his from underneath the white thing and sat up. Oh. That's right, he was in the bathroom. Why was he in the bathroom? Wasn't last night just a very strange dream? Shuichi checked his watch. "Oh, crap, I'm gonna be late for work!!"

He tried to push the door open, but there seemed to be something blocking it. He pushed harder and the thing rolled over, allowing Shuichi to open the door all the way. Shuichi looked down to see Yuki sleeping on the floor in a fetal position. _So it wasn't a dream…_ Shuichi quietly (well, quiet for him anyways) walked around Yuki and ran out the door. "Oh crap, K-San is gonna kill me…literally!" Shuichi muttered through clenched teeth as he ran to NG Studios.

He burst into the room where Bad Luck was supposed to meet. "LA LI-huh??" He stared at the other people in the room. They were his band mates, yes, but…they _weren't _his band mates.

Sakano was dressed as a pimp, fuzzy jacket, cane with diamond, money bulging out of the pockets and everything. He was sitting on a chair with his feet propped on a desk, holding a laptop on his lap and looking at a website that read 'Starship' that showed pictures of 'toys' and bondage equipment.

Hiro had short hair with a cowlick, and was wearing a white tuxedo top, black dress pants and suspenders. He was armed with a can of Lysol in one hand and a bible in the other.

Fujisaki had just walked in, completely naked except for a straw hat and a pair of sunglasses. "What's the haps, man?"

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?" Shuichi screamed and fell to the ground twitching.

'S-SHUICHI!!! NO!!! THERE ARE _GERMS _ON THE GROUND!!!" Hiro screeched.

"Righteous…" Fujisaki and Sakano were both watching porn now.

"K!! K was already insane, I'm sure he's fine…Hiro, where's K-San??"

Sakano looked over his shoulder at Shuichi. "That bitch went and joined the Goddamned Peace Corps, that mother fucker sonofabitch."

"S-S-Sakano-San!! Watch your language PLEASE! And what in this beautiful world ARE you watching?? Good heavens Sakano-San, repent! Repent says the Lord! And he shall have mercy on you!! And Fujisaki, the body is not meant to be looked upon by the whole world!!"

"Hey man, my duds are in the cleaners. Just chill man. Relaaaaax." Fujisaki offered Hiro a daisy, which Hiro rejected. How rude.

"That's 'A Pimp Named Sakano' to you, bitch," Sakano said without looking up from his porn.

"SHUUUUUU-CHAAAAAAAAN!!" Yuki skipped into the room and pounced on Shuichi. "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving for work, honeymuffin?!"

"Um…Well…I didn't…want to wake you??"

"Oh, Shu-Chan's SO thoughtful! I baked you a cake of love!! See, it's shaped like a heart, and says 'Yuki and Shuichi forever' in pink icing!!" He giggled (Like a schoolgirl!) and set the cake down next to Sakano's feet.

Speaking of Sakano, his phone started ringing (Right Thurr by Chingy was the ring tone). "Bitch, where you at?" He shouted. Shuichi could hear the woman on the other end.

"I'm out gettin' you your money, foo'."

"Sakano-San you shouldn't-"

"I done tol' you bitch, the name is 'A Pimp Named Sakano'."

"A Pimp Named Sakano-San, the good Lord will have mercy on you, should you ask him for forgiveness…" Hiro started bible thumping again, but luckily Sakano kicked his ass.

"Shuuuu-Chaaaaaan, why are you ignoring me?!?!" Yuki whimpered and clung to Shuichi's sleeve. "Don't you love me anymore?!" He gave a puppy dog pout, though normally considered cute; it was quite creepy coming from Yuki.

"Bitch, why ain't you out makin' me my money, ho??" Sakano-I mean-A Pimp Named Sakano asked Shuichi.

"EXCUSE ME?!?!"

"Shu-I-Chiiiiiiiii, look at meeeeee…"

"Um…"

"Shindo, man, you should just take it easy and relax man."

"I…"

"Shuichi, have you asked Christ to be your savior yet?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP HIROSHI!!" With that, Shuichi ran screaming from the room.


	3. Third Dimension

Shuichi was tearing through the halls. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one was following him, and ran into someone. "Oh, I'm sorry I-SEGUCHI-SAN!!" Shuichi had never been happier…let us rephrase that…Shuichi had never been happy to see Tohma before. "Seguchi-San, you have to help me, Yuki…and Fujisaki with…and Sakano-San was…"

Tohma laughed (like an evil school girl). "Slow down, Shindo-San. What seems to be the problem?"

Shuichi then proceeded to rant and whine about everyone having gone insane, and how it had all started the night before. "You…believe me right??" Shuichi asked when he saw Tohma smiling that polite yet ever so evil smile of his.

"Of course I do Shindo-San…because," two black feathery wings appeared out of Tohma's back, a pair of fangs grew in his mouth and some red horns popped out of his noggin. "I AM SATAN!! MUAHAHA!!" Shuichi blinked, then ran and hugged Tohma.

"OH SEGUCHI-SAN. AT LEAST _YOU'RE_ STILL NORMAL!!"

Tohma looked taken-aback. "Uh…well…I AM THE ONE WHO DID THIS TO YOU!!! MUAHAHA!!! Yesterday, I put a spell on you. When you went home, you were actually headed to the gates of hell, and when you saw Eiri-San's apartment, it was really a gate to the 5th Dimension!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Shuichi stared at him. "Well that still doesn't explain why Hiro, Fujisaki, Sakano-San, and Yuki acting like this!"

Tohma sighed. "SILENCE!!! This dimension is full of opposites and backward oddities! Those are not you're REAL friends; those are their 5th Dimension opposites!! Get it??"

"So…they're like their evil twins?!"

"Sure…let's go with that!! Now, I'll bet you're wondering… WHY I BROUGHT YOU HERE?!?!? MUAHAHAHAH!!" Tohma held a flashlight to his face while doing his evil laugh, which he had been practicing everyday in hopes of one day getting to use it.

"Not really…but now that you mention it…WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME HERE SEGUCHI-SAN?!?!?"

"HO HO HO! I am planning on leaving you here forever! This way, you can be with Eiri-San and he will no longer ignore you and treat you so cruelly! Meanwhile, I will be with the _real_ Eiri-San, cooking him delicious meals, bathing with him and sleeping in his bed!!"

"NOOOO!! Please have mercy on me!! I want to go back home!! And be with the real Yuki!! He doesn't like it when I come home late!"

"Oh, you'll be going home all right…" Tohma held the flashlight to his face again. "THE 5th DIMENSION YOU THAT IS!!!"

Tohma opened a nearby door, revealing a boy who looked like Shuichi. But this boy had black hair, several tattoos and facial piercings, and was staring at the ground. The Shuichi look-alike sighed.

"Now tell me…_Shindo-San_…What do you plan on doing when you get home?"

Tohma smiled at the other Shuichi.

"I'm going to dump Eiri Yuki, go to America, record emo songs for XMR Records, marry Reiji and have 7 kids."

The real Shuichi gasped (and vomited at the last part). "Seguchi-San…WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??!"

"Didn't I just explain this?"

"Oh yeah…"

"Listen Shindo-San, this works out great for everyone. You'll be happy with you're brand new Eiri-San, the real Eiri-San and I will be happy now that you're out of our lives, Reiji-San can stop stalking you, and Bad Luck can finally be taken seriously! See, everyone wins!"

"But…I want to go back home…with the real Hiro, the real Yuki, and most importantly, _no_ Reiji!!! I WANNA GO HOME!!!!!!"

Shuichi started crying as Tohma smiled evilly. He pressed a conveniently placed button on the wall and the floor where Shuichi was standing disappeared, leaving him to fall in a large hole in the floor. "HEY!! Let me out of here!! SEGUCHI-SAAAAN!!!"

Tohma smiled down at him before taking Emo Shuichi by the arm and walking toward the exit.

"My apologies Shindo-San," He called over his shoulder. "But it's all for the best …"


	4. Fourth Dimension

"Shuichi..."

Hearing someone call his name, Shuichi tried to open his eyes, but all he saw was black.

"SHUICHI!!! YOU CAN'T DIE YET!!! YOU HAVE TO-" A Pimp Named Sakano beat Hiro over the head with his cane.

"Are you alive down thurr bitch??" he called down into the hole. Shuichi still couldn't find the strength to open his eyes. He was trying to remember what exactly had happened, but hitting his head on a concrete floor after dropping 15ft gave him this annoying concussion.

"SHU-CHAN!!!"

Shuichi opened his eyes when he heard his lover's voice. "Yuki??"

"SHU-CHAN ARE YOU OKAY?!?!? WHAT DO YOU SEE?!?"

"I see…a light…"

"Hey man, stay away from the light!"

"SHU-CHAN!! DON'T LOOK AT THE LIGHT!!!"

"It's just the opening of the trapdoor, dumbass bitches."

Shuichi groaned. "Can you guys get me out of-" Before he had a chance to finish his sentence, a body quite bigger then his own fell on top of him, causing that annoying little concussion to return. "Oh my love!!!" Yuki cried, pulling Shuichi's limp body into his arms.

"WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME INSTEAD?!?! WHY?!?!??!?"

"I'm not dead yet!" Shuichi whined. "OH YUKI!!!" Shuichi clung to Fluffy Yuki. He might not have been the real Yuki, but poor Shuichi wanted to see his lover so badly, and this Yuki looked and sounded like the real Yuki, so he supposed he would have to do for now.

A Pimp Named Sakano held down his pimpin' cane, and Fluffy Yuki held out his Shuichi. Shuichi grabbed the cane and A Pimp Named Sakano pulled him out, and then they both pulled Fluffy Yuki out. "Listen bitch, we heard what happened."

"Yeah man, we were all starting to think you had lost it, what with that psychedelic pink hair and all."

"So we immediately came to see what was wrong with you!!!"

"And I prayed to God that there weren't any contagious germs infesting your body."

"And that's when we heard that Ho Seguchi gettin' all up in your biz."

"So we're totally gonna help you out, man."

Shuichi got all teary-eyed. "All of you…Bible-Bashing Germ-Fearing Hiro…A Pimp Named Sakano…Flower Child Fujisaki…and Fluffy, Sappy Yuki…you all care that much about me…to help me out like this??? OH YOU GUYS…" Shuichi started crying.

"Hell no, bitch! We just don't wanna be stuck with some pink-haired crybaby for the rest of eternity! DAMN! Stop cryin'! I feel bad for all the bitches that are stuck with you."

Fluffy Yuki smacked A Pimp Named Sakano. "DON'T TALK TO HIM THAT WAY!! He may not be _our_ Shu-Chan…And he may not be as cute…or sexy…or _delicious…" _

"Bitch, shut the fuck up! I got a 10 o'clock meetin' wit my fellow pimps and I am _not _being late again! So let's get this bitch home and get on with it!"


	5. Fifth Dimension

Tohma stood near the doorway of the 5th Dimension to the real world. He wasn't going to return. Not yet. He'd fixed up Emo Shuichi with some pink hair dye, bright, colorful clothes, make-up for his tattoos and he'd made him remove all his piercings, then he'd sent the boy to the real world to do his dirty work. Tohma had some low fat popcorn and a mini DVD player that he could use to watch everything Emo Shuichi was doing. He wanted to make sure everything went according to plan, everything had to be perfect. This also meant he had to guard the door in case the real Shuichi managed to escape.

He turned on the DVD player and began to watch the antics of Emo Shuichi. Emo Shuichi knocked on Yuki's door. A few minutes later, it was opened by the blonde novelist, who looked surprised and relieved to see him. "Shuichi?? Where the hell have you been?!" He moved out of the doorway so Emo Shuichi could enter, but the boy just stood there, seeming to look right through him. "What is it? What are you staring at??"

"I was at NG Studio discussing my contract with Seguchi-San." He said with absolutely no emotion, and ended with a huge sigh.

Yuki raised an eyebrow and looked at Emo Shuichi questioningly. "What the hell's wrong with you??"

"My contract has been cancelled and I'm moving to New York. I'm signing with XMR Records, and I'm going to be with my love, Reiji-Chan." He sighed again.

Yuki stared at him, actually seeming shocked. "Shuichi…what did Seguchi say to you??" He reached out to touch the pink haired boy, but Emo Shuichi silently moved farther back, out of his reach.

"You won't see me again. And you can auction all my stuff on the internet…or something…like it matters." With a final sigh, he turned and walked away, leaving a very confused Yuki to stare after him.

"Oh, Eiri-San! That confused, hurt look is so adorable!!" Tohma squealed and hugged the DVD player. "I can't wait till I'm there comforting you!!" Just as he was about to rewind so he could fondle the picture again, something knocked the DVD player right out of his arms. "Eh?!" Tohma looked up to see what had disturbed his movie marathon. "You…"

"That's right bitch. A Pimp Named Sakano!" A Pimp Named Sakano twirled his cane once to show off, and then held it like a baseball bat and began approaching Tohma.

"Now, now Sakano-San, aren't you forgetting something? I AM SATAN!!!" Tohma thrust his arms forward towards A Pimp Named Sakano and said something intelligible.

Nothing happened.

"Oh, pooh sticks! Since I'm in a different dimension, my powers won't work!" As Tohma made this grave realization, Fluffy Yuki hit him in the head with a rolling pin (of love).

"HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY SHU-CHAN BREAK UP WITH ME!!!"

A Pimp Named Sakano joined in with his cane again. "It's 'A Pimp Named Sakano', bitch!!!"

Germaphobe Hiro and Flower Child Fujisaki didn't take part, however.

While A Pimp Named Sakano and Fluffy Yuki were beating the shit outta Tohma, Shuichi started running towards the doorway back to the real world. "YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF HERE THAT EASILY!!" Tohma grabbed Shuichi's ankle, making him fall to the ground. He began strangling Shuichi, so Shuichi thought it only fair that he strangle Tohma as well.

Though Fluffy Yuki, A Pimp Named Sakano and Shuichi were all attacking Tohma at once, he didn't seem to be giving up. Shuichi thought for a moment as he continued attempting to strangle the keyboardist. "HEY, HIRO!!" He shouted. "SEGUCHI-SAN'S FACE IS COVERED IN GERMS!!!"

"Well that's quite a rude thing to say, Shindo-Sa-"

"GERMS!!!!" Hiro screeched and screamed(like a schoolgirl) and began violently spraying (how does one spray violently?) Tohma's face with his beloved Lysol. Tohma began coughing and gagging, loosening his grip on Shuichi.

The pop star gave Tohma a shove and broke free completely, racing towards the doorway, pausing just as he was about to exit. "Fluffy Yuki, Flower Child Fujisaki, Germaphobe Hiro, A Pimp Named Sakano…Thank you so much!! I'll never-"

"JUST GO, BITCH!!!"

"RIGHT!!" And with that, Shuichi bounded through the doorway, only to immediately fall backwards. "Huh...ME!!" Shuichi had in fact met himself at the doorway.

Emo Shuichi sighed. "I forgot my eyeliner…"

"SHU-CHAN!!!" Fluffy Yuki squealed and attacked the smaller man in a death hug. "Oh, darling are you alright?! I MISSED YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!" Emo Shuichi tried to escape, but to no avail. The iron fist of Fluffy Yuki's love was too strong!

Shuichi was finally on the other side of the doorway (which is just outside of Fluffy Yuki's apartment) and about to shut the door.

"NO, WAIT!!!" Tohma shouted. A Pimp Named Sakano had him in a full nelson. "I can't use my powers here! If you shut that door, I'll be stuck here forever!!"

Shuichi paused and thought this over for a minute. "I can't really imagine a world without Seguchi-San..." He started. "And we do need someone to run NG Studios…so…"


	6. Final Dimension

"YUKI!!! I'm home!!!" Shindo Shuichi ran into his lover's apartment.

"Shuichi?? What the hell was with that shit you pulled earlier, huh??"

"Oh, that! I thought of joining an acting club!! What did you think? Pretty impressive, huh?"

Yuki smirked. "Stick with singing." Yuki turned to go into his office, but felt a tug on the back of his shirt. He turned around to see two large, violet eyes staring up at him dreamily.

"Oh Yuki…" Shuichi wrapped his arms around the older man. "I missed you so much!! Did you miss me?"

"I missed you as much as I'd miss having an intensely bad headache."

Shuichi's eyes watered, and Yuki was more then prepared to see the boy burst into tears and whine about how mean he was. Shuichi did begin to cry, but what came next wasn't expected by the novelist. "OH YUKI!! I love you so much!! I love everything about you! I love it when you hit me on my head and call me a brat. I love it when you completely ignore me, I love it when you never answer your cell phone even when I call you 382 times!! Don't ever change okay??"

"Yeah…uh...okay? Sure…" Yuki made a mental note to put a limit on how much pocky his boy was allowed intake.

* * *

"LA LI HO!!!" Shuichi shouted as he slid across the waxed floor of NG Studios.

"Shuichi, you're late again!" K grinned and aimed a 12 gage at Shuichi's head.

"K!!! I'm so glad you're not enlisted in the Peace Corps!!" Shuichi hugged him, and was quite pleased when he was shot in the face.

"SAKANO-SAN!!! I'm so glad you're not a pimp who looks at porn and bashes people in the head with a cane!" Shuichi hugged Sakano-San, who had a nosebleed before fainting.

"FUJISAKI!! I'm so glad you're not a naked hippy who doesn't bathe!!" Shuichi hugged Fujisaki.

"Erm…Thank you?"

"AND HIRO!!! I'm so glad you're an un-religious, germ loving, long haired, guitar god!!" Shuichi hugged him and Hiro patted his head.

"You're acting strange today, Shindo-Kun…" Sakano noted.

Hiro shrugged. "He acts like a freak everyday of his life. Are you just noticing now? Speaking of strange though, has anyone spoken with Seguchi-San today?? He seems…different…"

"Hmm…I noticed too. He didn't pretend to be polite or anything!"

"And when he told us that he was rooting for us…he actually sounded like he _meant _it!"

"Our brilliant Shacho did seem in high spirits today…"

K scratched his head with a knife. "I went to a meeting of his earlier this morning…and I'd say…it's almost as if…he's a completely different person…"

_**Meanwhile…Somewhere in the 5th Dimension...**_

"Tohma-Chan….Don't you want to _play _with me??"

"R-Ryuichi-San, I told you I have some errands to run!!"

"But it will be _fun._ I'll even take the camera out of Kumagoro if it will make you feel better!"

Tohma pounded on the door between the 5th Dimension and the real world. "SHINDO-SAN…I WASN'T _REALLY _GOING TO LEAVE YOU HERE, I PROMISE!!"

"Tohma-Chan, your screaming is exciting Kumagoro! Keep it up, and he might want to stay after all!"

"NOOO!!"

"The game is tough at first, but it gets easier I swear! Promise promise!"

And with that, the former keyboardist of Nittle Grasper was dragged kicking and screaming to a nice secluded area.

* * *

**A/N: First off, I'd like to say I AM SO SORRY TOHMA-KUN!!! WE ALL LOVE YOU AND WORSHIP THE GROUND YOU WALK ON(**more or less) **But at least you got some Ryuichi lovin' in the end!(**more or less)

**Okay, how un-original was that? Yeah! First off, Starship, the porn website Sakano-San was looking at is the actual name of a porn store near my house. Woo! Second off, A Pimp Named Sakano's character, lines and name were all stolen from the show 'The Boondocks'. You should all go watch it.**

**And to make up for all the Tohma bashing, I might make a sequel where Shuichi goes back to find him or something. Review and flame and tell me whether you'd read it, or whether you want me to drop off the face of the earth. **

_**May your precious eyes never fall out of your skull,**_

**-Sparky-**


End file.
